My kids will be raised in a secular home

My children will not know of god. or at least they won't be raised under the notion that "god is watching them" and "what you do will be judged by god." I want to be able to raise them with a moral compass that is not dictated by a higher being. It's not that I have a prejudice against people who have god/s, but the way that the children they raise may have defective moral compasses because the burden of responsibility of the action is not placed on them, but on the notion of a higher being.

The advantages of raising them in a secular home is that they make their choices because of the consequences they know will be attributed to them if they do it. Also, it gives them the choice to believe in a god or not. I won't stop them if eventually it leads them to a certain religion. I just want them to realize it by themselves instead of it being shoved in their throats.

Dear (future) kids, I hope when you grow old, you become grateful for the freedom of choice of almost everything. I want you to create your own compass in life and I hope I helped you do that.

Friends or Family?

Sometimes, I wish there wasn't a choice to be made here. Like it takes a lot of effort to accommodate both and in this stage of my life, no matter how harsh it sounds, family takes a back seat. I have no intentions of hurting their feelings but how do I spread my wings when the same people chain me? I know they're still the people who raised me and of course, I'll be grateful till I'm old to them but it's like I'm living at a bubble where "I make my own decisions" but I don't. It's so frustrating being given freedom but still getting trampled if I use it. How are we all going to learn if you don't let me go?

Dried Up

My emotions always seem to wreak havoc on me when I have no creative outlet to express it. Sure, I have my friends whom I appreciate for listening to me during my highs and lows, but there's something about talking to yourself (albeit in social media, where, let's face it, you are never really alone) that soothes you.

I've been doing well these past few months- juggling a hell load of org work and my last year in college, but also spending it with the best people I can think of. I'm learning more and more about myself and how to live life as another chapter of my life draws near and it's amazing how fast my college experience is going by and there are times when I just want it to stop.

But we can't do that. Life runs even if we don't. So I promised myself to have some sort of creative output to document my last few months in college. I don't know what yet but I'll keep you posted. It might be the most random things, but I wanna make an effort for it to be beautiful.

My creative juices are drying up and I need something to fill it up again. Hello, blog. Nice to see you again.

To life and what it may bring.
To the universe and its many blessings.
Come what may.
But learn and stay humble.

At Home

Two days into the planning conference that my organization is having and I'm already sure this year will do wonders. I now believe that the universe lead me to fail twice to realize where I actually belonged or where I was needed this year. I wouldn't have thought at the start that I would be in the position I am right now, but I have no regrets and I finally feel that I am where I'm meant to be.

I'm (now) good enough

During the last conference I attended in my organization, I talked about my most recent disturbing moment, which was losing for a VP position twice for two different roles. Until now, there's still a part of me that stings when I think about it, but for the most part, I've moved on from it. Those days were a really low point for me, though, knowing that I gave my everything and in the end, it wasn't enough. I told myself and my groupmates that I wasn't good enough... yet.

Yet is such a powerful word. It tells you that you're not whatever it is you want to be at this moment, but you will be. The potential of becoming whatever you want is there, all that has to happen is for you to reach it and conquer whatever is stopping you, which in my case was moving on from my two consecutive losses and look at the opportunities I have ahead. This was a struggle for me because I love my close friends to death, but two of them are part of the VP lineup that I didn't get into. This became a big hurdle because I really wanted to move on, but they kind of held me back somehow.

After a few days, I searched for more opportunities for me- Editor-in-Chief for my graduating batch, putting up a kids with chronic illnesses organization in UPD, and so much more, but I still felt a strong connection to the organization I'm in right now but I didn't know where to go. #identitycrisis

My crisis was answered when I was initially going to apply for a national role for my organization but I wasn't supposed to push through, and then people encouraged me to take it and to apply for it. This boosted my self-confidence enough for me to finish my application and submit it. Today, May 5, guess what, I GOT THE ROLE. I AM BEYOND HAPPY. I realized that maybe it wasn't that I wasn't wanted, it was that I was meant for something else in this organization and that I can do my change in this way.

THIS IS SUCH A EUPHORIC DAY. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE HURDLES AND CHALLENGES, UNIVERSE, BECAUSE IT LEAD ME HERE. MORE PLEASE!!

Dear "yet", we're here now. I feel that I'm good enough now, but I am not the best... yet, and I will strive to be. I promise.

I'm (almost) sure my life's great

I know there have been so many things that's caused my life to go topsy turvy since the start of January, but just to share some positivity and so that it doesn't sound like I'm too whiny, here are some things on why I think my life this 2015 is going great so far:

• I have a solid group of friends now. I mean, I can probably hang out with a lot of people in my organization and everything, but these are the people who I've grown close to and have grown close to each other, and it feels great to belong to this group. It's always a routine for us now, I don't know why, but we go home so late, like 3 AM, and we regret it in the morning, of course, but we choose to hang out again LOL. 
• I'm doing well in my speech classes, yay! They're really fun that sometimes, I wish our course had a choice for minoring because I would totally minor in Speech Communication. Great professors with such applicable lessons, ugh I wish I had more time to take these classes. They're so great. 
• I'm trying to make my last year in UP count and to be the best, that's why I've committed myself to running for both my org and for my batch. I know, it might be taking on more than I want, but hey, it might be the last time that I can. I wanna enjoy my senior year as much as I can. 
• I'm learning to take things one step at a time and to focus. One thing I've noticed about myself is how I easily get rattled because of so many things that need to get done and one thing that's also been clear is that all I need to do is BE ORGANIZED and FOCUS. I'm trying my best to do that now. 
• I'm on my way to finding love, I hope? I don't know, I really hope the latter half of the year will be dedicated to knowing someone better and actually be in a relationship before my undergrad years end.

That's it for now. Let me know if you wanna hear more about my life so we can get coffee or something ahahahaha. 

Can you still hear me, blogosphere?

It's been 5 months since I last posted something on this blog and I've been through so much in such a short span of time, but I'll reserve that for another post; let me focus on the most pressing matter in my  life- it's 23 days until my 19th birthday! I can't wait to spend it here in Manila with my friends. I have no clue what to do on the day itself yet, but I'm already sure that it will be one of my best birthdays yet.

I know that expectations can set you up for disappointment, but I'm expecting something big to happen this time around: like a grand gesture of some sort. I don't know if it's just me being unlikable or not targeting the right market, but a grand gesture has yet to happen in my life, and if anybody still reads this blog, I'd want it to be on my birthday. After all that's happened, all I really want is someone to fight for me, to make me their first choice. Sounds selfish, but that's how I feel.

Anyway, I'll go back to making my speech plans and you can go back reading someone else's more interesting blog. I'll try to post again tomorrow. Ciao!

Guilt and Regret

I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for what happened and all the consequences that my actions caused. I'm afriad I'm losing friends that mean so much to me and it brings back so much hurt and insecurities that I had back then. I don't know if I can show myself within the next few days after this incident. I don't know if I can muster enough courage to do anything, to be honest.

I just wanna cry myself to sleep and hope that the world consumes me.

Life Lesson

There are just days in your life when you realize something for the first time and it hits you like a speeding truck. Today, or should I say, tonight was one of those nights.

I feel crippled because of something and I don't know how to deal with it. It isn't easy to deal with it and I need more time to think but I just needed to let it out somehow. The life lesson I learned today is that some things are just out of your hands and fairness is an illusion is in this world. Sure, we want equal rights and justice all over the world, but does it ever or will it ever happen? Maybe we have to open our eyes to the fact that some things just can't be fair or that the way we see things are different from how other people see it.

I just don't know how to move on from this, really, and it isn't even about me.

I sit and wait
and wait and sit
for the world to unravel itself

I stand and think
and think and stand
how the world will unravel itself

I walk and stop
and stop and walk
waiting for the world to unravel itself

but as I close my eyes
the world disappears
I take a breath
open my eyes, and realized

sitting and waiting
and waiting and sitting
standing and thinking
and thinking and standing
walking and stopping
and stopping and walking
will do nothing

the world does not unravel itself to anyone
you unravel yourself to the world
work out all entanglements
and bare yourself
because the world needs more honest people

I'm too scared to tell you that...

...my heart beats fast when I see you come near me.
...seeing you smile can already make my day.
...talking to you makes me feel at ease.
...resting my head on your shoulder feels snug.


I'm too scared to tell you that maybe, just maybe, I'm slowly falling for the nice, funny, and quirky guy I met almost 4 months ago. And it scares me knowing that I might lose you because of this.

It's been a while

I have no idea if it's even cool to blog anymore. I remember doing this just so that I could do something cool. It all changed when I suddenly felt like this was an outlet for my stress and after more than 2 years of me not being able to blog, I've missed it so much.

How's everything going after 1 year, you may ask? Everything's changed significantly since I was a freshie- I'm now part of an organization that I love so much and on my way to a career in foreign service/international affairs. It's crazy knowing that a year ago, I was so sure of medicine (then interior design then architecture then..).

Okay, I change my mind a lot, but recently, I've learned that being indecisive will get you nowhere. Our decisions may not always be right but at least because we made a choice, we get to move on with our life. It's difficult being stuck in a limbo all the time. "Life waits for no one," as some people would put it.

I gave myself a long while to really think about what I wanted to do and when I got to talk to my adviser, foreign service was her suggestion (and it was a long time "what if" running through my head). I've realized that maybe I've always been so keen to go to medicine because the people around have been constantly telling me to pursue it and as the obedient kid that I am, I obliged.

But I've realized that I have to be my own person and being independent means making choices that are best for me and for my interests and my future, that's why I decided to pursue this dream of mine. I recently came upon a bucket list I made way back in high school and one of the items I enumerated was for me to become the Secretary General of the UN someday. Such an audacious dream for one person, isn't it? Well, it's not worth doing if it doesn't challenge you, and this is one challenge I am willing to face.

I want my advocacy to be to bridge the youth to the rest of the world. This advocacy started because I feel like the youth has a lot of creative ideas to solve a lot of problems in the world, it's just that most of them don't have the means or the opportunity to communicate their idea. That's where I want to come in- to create a way for the youth to share their ideas because how young a person is shouldn't determine the credibility of his or her idea.

I am so excited to blog more soon because I promised myself to use this as a space to reflect and unwind when stressful things come up (and boy, will it be stressful next week). So excited to blab about my life again yay.

I'm deathly afraid

of death. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to think about it so much because it makes me dizzy.

Well, it's not necessarily death I'm afraid of- I like to imagine it as the most calming event of someone's life- I'm afraid of what happens after. Is that it? Like, after investing in this body for so long I just disappear? Do I go somewhere else? Is heaven real? Just making this post scares me a little.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't try living anymore because we're still gonna die anyway, I'm just saying that it's such a mystery to all of us, alive and well, where we go or if we do go anywhere. Someone can't just come up to me and tell me that he is 100% sure heaven exists because, how would he know? He's alive.

These kinds of things make you think, doesn't it? Because of the fact that we don't know what happens to us after we die, we have to enjoy where we are, what we have, and who we're with because it might be taken away from us when we reach our end. It seems depressing at first but acronyms and slang such as YOLO are based upon this principle and I guess, whether you look at it positively or negatively, death is bound to happen so we've just got to enjoy our life while we can.

Well, I didn't live up to my promise. Hi guise I'm alive

Do you ever get the feeling of sadness and a sense of heaviness after leaving tumblr? I know I do.

I've finally realized the fact why I variably write in this blog instead of writing on it constantly or on a daily or weekly basis: It's either a.) I have nothing good to write about b.) I have something good to write about but I don't know how to put it in words c.) I have something good to write about but I'm lazy d.) ugh meh or e.) I don't know where my blog is going

I now know that this is where I can pour out my thoughts and where I could write more than 140 characters and without the fear of knowing that everyone in my Facebook friends list will see it. And I'm so glad that has finally sunk in. I know I'm not the best at writing things but I'm not in the position to please anyone by the way I write in this blog so it doesn't really matter how extensive my vocabulary is or whatnot.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to post as much as I can now. I promise. Maybe daily even.

I feel your warmth beside me, your arms wrapped so tightly around my body. Your timed breaths I can feel at the nape of my neck. I see your smile while you look into my eyes and realize that being here with you calms me down.

EXCEPT

There isn't anyone's warmth to feel beside me, no arms wrapped so tightly around my body. No timed breaths that I feel at the nape of my neck. And most of all, I don't see anyone's smile while they look into my eyes and realize that being here with them calms me down. Anxiety creeps in. Depression slowly envelopes me while I lay still in bed.

Happy days

And then there are days that make you love life
The days:
Where everything just feels light and fluffy:
When everything just falls right into place at the right time, with the right people
Where you laugh all of your problems off and just throw them away (for the moment)
That make you wanna share your positive energy to the whole world
That you think about when you're down to put a smile on your day
and these are the days that make you wanna go on and live life
Those are the days that I live for
Happy days, happy times; memorable forever.

It can't always be disappointment, can it?
Sometimes, somehow, something will happen, right?
I won't always be lonely, correct?
Will I find someone for me in the future?
The world is a beautiful place, isn't it?
Is it filled with interesting people and experiences?
I shouldn't lose hope, should I?
What's life got in store for me?